Grief, mark 2

We were watching “The Baby Club” on iPlayer, Little One and I.

She was balancing her time-worn cuddly monkey on her knee. Clapping his hands together as the beaming mummies (and millennial daddy) bounced their babies and played clap, clap, tickle-wiggle-tickle.

I let myself feel furious with the saccharine idealisation of early parenthood for a few moments. But really I knew it was grief.

If I was honest with myself.

Why couldn’t I have bounced you on my knee, clapped your hands together, sat in a joyous circle with the other beaming parents?

By the time I had entered that circle, I’d lost her. She was exploring, crawling into other laps.

There was a new grief too, though. It’s been sneaking up for a while. It’s a future grief, if such a thing exists.

I watch her bounce her toy babies, put them up her jumper as a pregnant bump, feed them and stroke their cheeks. But I’m afraid. Afraid it’s not going to be that simple.

How would she be judged as a parent with a learning disability?
The children of parents with a learning disability are more likely than any other group of children to be removed from their parents’ care. (Working Together with Parents Network 2008)

I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle the future grief. Could I give what might be required of me to enable her to sit in that inner circle of beaming mummies?

I’m afraid. If I’m honest with myself.

One thought on “Grief, mark 2

  1. Thank you for such an insight into a very personal situation, so unique to every person “grief” I never understood the term “good grief” either but grief yes, grief that “I wasn’t treated right as a child?h) grief over a divorce. Loss of animal …The phrase future grief is particularly concurrent for me lately, however with your honesty and thoughts I’m sure you are giving the best you can on this particular day to little one, however you communicate your affection s by touch smell voice, taste (kisses”)your child will know they are loved, I guess you and little one take one day at a time. Spend as much time discovering and learning with little one. I’m not a mother myself but still mourn and can’t even remember ever playing with one particular parent.

    The days are stretching out to lighter nights which for me and my furry buddy a trip to the beach. Yay! Thank you for sharing. Lovely to hear from you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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