Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away ’cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind
It’s been a rough term, fellow travellers… Finding a good way through relapse is never easy. Feeling the briefest of snatches of the real me, melting away so easily into hopelessness. Dear God, I’m 40 – what on earth am I going to do with the rest of my life?
What’s keeping us going? We’re refusing to give up on Love in a ‘hopeless’ place. Still, Christmas approaching has filled me with worry – will I be able to make it as special for the girls as I long for? Will the wet, heavy Black Dog make his appearance at the dinner table or under the Christmas tree?
I needn’t have worried. This year Love held me together. Waking up to hear the girls squealing with enjoyment at their first stocking presents, I knew we were going to be OK – we scooped them up into our bed to tip out their stickers, chocolate coins and hair clips (painstakingly wrapped by Gallant Husband). My fragile heart felt lifted by the simple joys of being a family. With a sigh of relief I connected with the real me.
May it not just be for the briefest of days, but even if tomorrow I have to greet that Black Dog, I’ll whisper to him that we will keep looking for Love in the hopeless place, and we’ll keep finding it.