A sad week

Live… as though heaven is on earth

I bought myself a silver bracelet with this quote inscribed on it.  But the reasons why I chose it are complicated.  It’s a reminder not to long for death to be the solution to pain, because for me heaven is a risky belief when I am suffering from depression. On the flip side it’s a reminder to live with appreciation in the here and now.  It speaks of my fragile, tentative hope that there is such a thing as a Kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven. That in the midst of pain somehow love remains.

This week two women in the online community have struggled intensely with postnatal depression.  Devastatingly, one took her own life, and one has been missing for four days.  I feel so helpless, and uncomfortably aware of how lucky I am to be here.  As we talked about these women, our hearts felt heavy for their families, and my husband told me that he too had thought about what he would need to say at my funeral.  How he would convey the beauty and the life and the love in me, rather than the illness which so nearly took my life.

I don’t have any answers.  But I know these women love their children intensely, and will have fought with all their strength to hold on to the light.

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